(Im)patient
As a little and obedient girl I used to be very patient to the authorities, parents and teachers. When the roles swapped and I had my own children, it was even more complicated to be patient. Many quiet girls could agree with me that they have many opportunities to meet a monster deep inside while raising children :). So maybe you would think it has been a good school of life and patience to go through this all and you should get a medal. I have thought so too till the last days when I met a rival much more agressive. You can’t manipulate him, he’s stubborn and devious, no mercy. To my surprise, I found out, the rival is one big ME.
ME – impatient – that I’m searching for something but the answers are so difficult to reach
ME – impatient – that I’m not the person I would like to be … or should be?
ME – impatient – that I’m not able to slow down, rest and quietly aim the target
ME – impatient – that I’m impatient
But what is is all about?
I started to think about impatience thanks to my song. Well, actually not my song … not yet. It is stucked somewhere between Earth and Heaven right now, not knowing how to land.
Recently I met a friend, who told me about his first song he has written. “It just wanted to go out.” Well, I have many songs inside of me willing to be born, but they just don’t know the right way out… When I spoke about it with another musician, he told me “Allow it and let it come to you”. Well, if he says so, I’ll try…so then I started to write lyrics. Chords were mixing with the melody and the story started to appear alive in front of my eyes. But in the morning I felt like having a hangover. What should be next? The song – alive but half undone, very intimate but not in shape to share.
Both of my friends told me that I just need some patience, I should let it be for a while and go back to it later…
But I don’t want to wait, you know! The song starts to live her own life and it is laughing at me between the lines. I felt mad about the song as well as about my councelors. I was frightened by the kicking angry child in me but on the other hand I wanted to smile and open my arm telling him “Allow it!”.
Allow to yourself all the anger, impatience and quandary but also a time, waiting and self-acceptance.
And the truth is that in many stories around me I feel how much we let ourselves to be bound by comparison with others, our expectations and expectations of expectation of those around us. But who is the measure? Who should decide if our degree is respectable enough, if we have an attractive figure and weight, if our degree of civic engagement is sufficient?!? It is hard for us just to be side by side, complete each other, touch and accept the extraordinary nature of others as a gift.
I feel I could touch it a little bit on our today’s musical rehearsal. There was a new musical instrument, new sound, energy and a new soul comming into our old and well known arrangements. We were three and we had allowed ourselves just to be together, join our voices and we had waited what would come without any expectations, rush or impatience.
Just because we allowed it!
Footnote: Right now when I’m finishing my blog I have a great opportunity to try my new knowledge about patience in reality ….it is just one night far from the great rehearsal. And it is not an coincidence I hope. Impatience is apparently my big theme…
We were going to Prague this early Sunday morning with my daghter to the ballet competition. At the moment of catching our train she realised she had none of her costumes… I kept trying to call my husband to take the costumes to Prague. I knew he was going to take our second daughter to some rehearsal and he should be at Prague around 10 a.m., but two hours of trying to get through his unavailable cell phone made me crazy. The only hope was he hadn’t overslept but only hadn’t his cell phone on.
Anyway … who should determine if the right costume for my daughter’s dance is a tutu or a tracksuit…:)?